Tarptontonk is a god.

It takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, bad-tempered mink.

Tarptontonk created the world three million years ago.

If you believe in Tarptontonk, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Tarptontonk, it will attempt to scare you with thunder.

Tarptontonk's most sacred site is Metsimotlhabe in Botswana.

Tarptontonk's Holy Commandments

1. Feed all hungry horses.

2. Never laugh near sharks.

3. Never feed limes to doves while wearing orange stockings.

4. Tarptontonk must be the most important thing in your life.

5. Do not wear lead on your body.