Lopcebzim is a god.

She takes the form of a three hundred metre long, irritating seal.

Lopcebzim created everything that exists seven million years ago.

If you believe in Lopcebzim, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Lopcebzim, she will send two she bears to sort you out.

Lopcebzim's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Lopcebzim's Holy Commandments

1. Never run in holy places.

2. Erect a large tin sculpture of Lopcebzim on top of all buildings.

3. Never go into gray rooms.

4. Never write about comets.

5. Hide if three porpoises approach from the east.