Lakarnbiss is a god.

She takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, unthinking tapir.

Lakarnbiss created carbon eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lakarnbiss, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Lakarnbiss, she will jump up and down fuming with anger.

Lakarnbiss' most sacred site is Hongcun in China.

Lakarnbiss' Holy Commandments

1. Never jump in holy places.

2. Lakarnbiss must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

4. Whales are unholy and should not be approached.

5. Always wear turquoise.