Lancepmifshav is a god.

She takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, blissful seal.

Lancepmifshav created a strange quark six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lancepmifshav, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Lancepmifshav, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Lancepmifshav's most sacred site is Ringsted in Denmark.

Lancepmifshav's Holy Commandments

1. Never sprint near tortoises.

2. Hide from green dolphins for they are unholy.

3. Erect a large iron sculpture of Lancepmifshav on top of all buildings.

4. Never think about black holes.

5. Pray towards the east.