Hamkopfeb is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, loving squid.

Hamkopfeb created snails seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Hamkopfeb, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Hamkopfeb, she will attempt to scare you with hail.

Hamkopfeb's most sacred site is Maijoma in Mexico.

Hamkopfeb's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat green fruit.

2. Erect eight carbon sculptures of Hamkopfeb on top of important buildings.

3. Hide from violet mites for they are unholy.

4. Do not listen to music.

5. Never feed oranges to pigs while wearing shorts.