Arpvidkon is a god.

He takes the form of a giant, unthoughtful gerbil.

Arpvidkon created light nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Arpvidkon, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Arpvidkon, he will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Arpvidkon's most sacred site is Ans in Denmark.

Arpvidkon's Holy Commandments

1. Never look at dwarf planets.

2. Never think about the weak nuclear force near seals while wearing blue jumpers and balancing three carbon spheres on your legs.

3. Never talk about mites.

4. Arpvidkon must be the most important thing in your life.

5. Erect a giant orange sculpture of Arpvidkon in the centre of the settlement.