Wapkan is a god.

She takes the form of a planet-sized, weak giraffe.

Wapkan created the universe five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Wapkan, she will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Wapkan, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Wapkan's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Wapkan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

2. Never eat green fruit.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

5. Never feed peanuts to hamsters while wearing dresses.