Volmutnak is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, proud gerbil.

Volmutnak created humankind seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Volmutnak, she will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Volmutnak, she will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Volmutnak's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Volmutnak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink water in black rooms.

2. Look mercifully on unfortunate badgers.

3. Never paint your head white.

4. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

5. Never talk about fire.