Flapfidven is a god.

It takes the form of a four hundred metre long, witless rat.

Flapfidven created dark matter five million years ago.

If you believe in Flapfidven, it will be happy.

If you do not believe in Flapfidven, it will turn you into a hamster.

Flapfidven's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Flapfidven's Holy Commandments

1. Erect seven copper sculptures of Flapfidven on top of important buildings.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Flapfidven.

3. Put Flapfidven first in all things.

4. Do not kill birds.

5. Retreat if five dolphins approach from the east.