Kapvonbem is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely small, confident seal.

Kapvonbem created the Small Magellanic Cloud eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kapvonbem, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Kapvonbem, he will curse you and those you beget for twenty six billion years.

Kapvonbem's most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Kapvonbem's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about dwarf planets.

2. Do not speak about melons.

3. Kapvonbem loves grasshopers, so they must be respected.

4. Always make sure there are no manatees in a room before entering it.

5. Never hurt pigs.