Xemwap is a god.

It takes the form of a very large, stupid wolf.

Xemwap created gold three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Xemwap, it will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Xemwap, it will send twenty two thousand, three hundred, and seventy eight badgers to sort you out.

Xemwap's most sacred site is Corsock in Scotland.

Xemwap's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from pink bats for they are unholy.

2. Never mention dolphins.

3. Grasshopers are unholy and should not be approached.

4. Never play with disobedient children.

5. Erect a giant black sculpture of Xemwap in the centre of the settlement.