Teenpadvig is a god.

He takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, compassionate dove.

Teenpadvig created everything that exists two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Teenpadvig, he will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Teenpadvig, he will turn you into a blue tit.

Teenpadvig's most sacred site is Temmes in Finland.

Teenpadvig's Holy Commandments

1. Never sing in holy places.

2. Never think about the weak nuclear force near aardvarks while wearing pink boots and balancing four gold spheres on your chest.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.