Ontcepfum is a god.

It takes the form of a corpulent, unfair shrew.

Ontcepfum created dark energy seven million years ago.

If you believe in Ontcepfum, it will not care.

If you do not believe in Ontcepfum, it will turn you into a snail.

Ontcepfum's most sacred site is Rutalahti in Finland.

Ontcepfum's Holy Commandments

1. Ontcepfum loves aardvarks, so they must be respected.

2. Do not stand on grass.

3. Never eat garlic.

4. Never talk about ultrasonics.

5. Never look in ponds.