Quartflanvig is a god.

He takes the form of a blubbery, slow troll.

Quartflanvig created snails four billion years ago.

If you believe in Quartflanvig, he will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Quartflanvig, he will turn you into a blue tit.

Quartflanvig's most sacred site is Kottucherry in India.

Quartflanvig's Holy Commandments

1. Do not stand on grass.

2. Never chant in holy places.

3. Do not hurt swans.

4. Never feed lots of pineapples to mice while wearing orange tights.

5. Never write about quantum field theory.