Ontcinsaw Lakpanbon is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, happy beaver.

Ontcinsaw Lakpanbon created an up quark seven million years ago.

If you believe in Ontcinsaw Lakpanbon, he will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Ontcinsaw Lakpanbon, he will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Ontcinsaw Lakpanbon's most sacred site is Altata in Mexico.

Ontcinsaw Lakpanbon's Holy Commandments

1. Do not stand on grass.

2. Never look in ponds.

3. Never jump in the presence of birds.

4. You must never eat peas.

5. Do not wear lead on your body.