Japveenmonquim is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, proud wolf.

Japveenmonquim created humankind five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Japveenmonquim, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Japveenmonquim, she will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Japveenmonquim's most sacred site is Pedraza in Spain.

Japveenmonquim's Holy Commandments

1. You must pray to Japveenmonquim seven times a day.

2. Do not stand on grass.

3. Japveenmonquim loves bats, so they must be honoured.

4. Never laugh in the presence of gulls.

5. Never mention nematodes.