Spagvonlab is a god.

It takes the form of a planet-sized, staggering porpoise.

Spagvonlab created a down quark five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Spagvonlab, it will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Spagvonlab, it will turn you into a mole.

Spagvonlab's most sacred site is Iskmo in Finland.

Spagvonlab's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into white rooms.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Do not speak about coconuts.

4. Do not drink alcohol.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.