Fumtallarn is a god.

She takes the form of a large, happy eagle.

Fumtallarn created Asia three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Fumtallarn, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Fumtallarn, she will turn you into a frog.

Fumtallarn's most sacred site is Rutalahti in Finland.

Fumtallarn's Holy Commandments

1. Fast once a month.

2. Never talk about stars.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Never think about fluid mechanics near birds while wearing mauve shorts and balancing five zinc spheres on your back.

5. Always make a point of helping unfortunate nematodes.