Sigmattarg Shavren is a god.

He takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, dishonourable seal.

Sigmattarg Shavren created everything that exists five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Sigmattarg Shavren, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Sigmattarg Shavren, he will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Sigmattarg Shavren's most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Sigmattarg Shavren's Holy Commandments

1. Always make sure there are no gulls in a building before entering it.

2. Do not shave your neck.

3. Never think about quantum mechanics near tapirs while wearing black corsets and balancing six zinc spheres on your feet.

4. Show mercy to disobedient children.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.