Somparkjarn is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, staggering wren.

Somparkjarn created a charm quark nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Somparkjarn, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Somparkjarn, she will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Somparkjarn's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Somparkjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat beans.

2. Run away if four capybaras approach from the west.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Never eat green fruit.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.