Zakbamlarn is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, resourceful otter.

Zakbamlarn created energy eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Zakbamlarn, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Zakbamlarn, he will turn you into a snail.

Zakbamlarn's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Zakbamlarn's Holy Commandments

1. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

2. Retreat if three manatees approach from the north.

3. Never feed pineapples to capybaras while wearing corsets.

4. Do not cook food in pots.

5. Always make sure there are no swans in a room before entering it.