Lamvoljab Zanpigciss is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, awesome spider.

Lamvoljab Zanpigciss created a strange quark five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lamvoljab Zanpigciss, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Lamvoljab Zanpigciss, he will come to you in dreams.

Lamvoljab Zanpigciss' most sacred site is Finnmark in Norway.

Lamvoljab Zanpigciss' Holy Commandments

1. Never eat carrots.

2. Do not chop down trees.

3. You must pray to Lamvoljab Zanpigciss six times a day.

4. Do not chant in public.

5. Never talk about seals.