Tinquatbest is a god.

It takes the form of a slim, unselfish cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Tinquatbest created an electron eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tinquatbest, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Tinquatbest, it will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Tinquatbest's most sacred site is Aranganur in India.

Tinquatbest's Holy Commandments

1. Never think ill of sick whales.

2. Never look in ponds.

3. Tinquatbest loves turtles, so they must be honoured.

4. Always help geese.

5. Erect a giant gold sculpture of Tinquatbest in the centre of the settlement.