Kimquillbunpan Quillbabtan is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, bad-tempered raccoon.

Kimquillbunpan Quillbabtan created a photon four billion years ago.

If you believe in Kimquillbunpan Quillbabtan, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Kimquillbunpan Quillbabtan, she will send you a sign.

Kimquillbunpan Quillbabtan's most sacred site is Tatul in Bulgaria.

Kimquillbunpan Quillbabtan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not stand on grass.

2. Never talk about birds.

3. Never talk about spacetime.

4. Never paint your arms black.

5. Never talk about quantum gravity near squirrels while wearing white rings and balancing eight silver spheres on your head.