Zotgonpang is a god.

He takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, idiotic guinea pig.

Zotgonpang created the world six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Zotgonpang, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Zotgonpang, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Zotgonpang's most sacred site is Alyki in Greece.

Zotgonpang's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear mauve shirts.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

3. Show mercy to disobedient children.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Never think about amino acids.