Hanquafcum is a god.

It takes the form of a gargantuan, unselfish meerkat.

Hanquafcum created water twelve years ago.

If you believe in Hanquafcum, it will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Hanquafcum, it will jump up and down fuming with rage.

Hanquafcum's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Hanquafcum's Holy Commandments

1. Always obey Hanquafcum's priests.

2. Never paint your chest indigo.

3. Do not trade with those who eat pineapples.

4. Never talk about dark energy near monkeys while wearing blue tights and balancing nine iron spheres on your feet.

5. Porpoises are unholy and should not be approached.