Jadparkwip is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, witless guinea pig.

Jadparkwip created the Milkyway four million years ago.

If you believe in Jadparkwip, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Jadparkwip, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Jadparkwip's most sacred site is Utti in Finland.

Jadparkwip's Holy Commandments

1. Show mercy to disobedient children.

2. Never eat aubergines.

3. Always make sure there are no great tits in a room before entering it.

4. Do not drink water in fawn rooms.

5. Jadparkwip must be the most important thing in your life.