Jarnvogciss Panlamkap is a god.

He takes the form of a six hundred metre long, uncaring beaver.

Jarnvogciss Panlamkap created the planet Saturn six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Jarnvogciss Panlamkap, he will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Jarnvogciss Panlamkap, he will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Jarnvogciss Panlamkap's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Jarnvogciss Panlamkap's Holy Commandments

1. Always treat dolphins with great respect.

2. Respect your elders.

3. Tortoises are not to be trusted.

4. Always wear turquoise.

5. Do not trade with those who eat bread.