Bemlakhun is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely large, sage badger.

Bemlakhun created matter three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Bemlakhun, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Bemlakhun, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Bemlakhun's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Bemlakhun's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into brown rooms.

2. Never think about ribonucleic acid.

3. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

4. Do not make images of living things.

5. Never paint your legs turquoise.