Yartdogpig is a god.

She takes the form of a giant, loving turtle.

Yartdogpig created Mount Everest five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Yartdogpig, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Yartdogpig, she will boil you in a big pot.

Yartdogpig's most sacred site is Chettipet in India.

Yartdogpig's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about optics near seals while wearing yellow coats and balancing nine carbon spheres on your feet.

2. Paint representations of planets on the walls of your dwelling place.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Never write about quantum gravity.

5. Never sing in the presence of tortoises.