Tomtonkbarn is a god.

He takes the form of a galaxy-sized, benevolent gorilla.

Tomtonkbarn created the planet Mars seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tomtonkbarn, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Tomtonkbarn, he will destroy your favourite dwarf planet.

Tomtonkbarn's most sacred site is Iskmo in Finland.

Tomtonkbarn's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your hands white.

2. Do not dye your hair fawn.

3. Walk at least nine thousand metres per day.

4. Tomtonkbarn loves ducks, so they must be respected.

5. Always help mice.