Janlakbapjin is a god.

She takes the form of a giant, deceitful spider.

Janlakbapjin created the Small Magellanic Cloud nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Janlakbapjin, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Janlakbapjin, she will ignore you and hope you go away.

Janlakbapjin's most sacred site is Dommerby in Denmark.

Janlakbapjin's Holy Commandments

1. Look mercifully on unfortunate bats.

2. Never chant in holy places.

3. Always look after injured pigs.

4. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

5. Do not make images of living things.