Lapcemnul is a god.

She takes the form of a five hundred metre long, humorless lion.

Lapcemnul created a quark twelve years ago.

If you believe in Lapcemnul, she will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Lapcemnul, she will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Lapcemnul's most sacred site is Maijoma in Mexico.

Lapcemnul's Holy Commandments

1. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Paint representations of planets on the walls of your dwelling place.

3. Put Lapcemnul first in all things.

4. Always help sick cats.

5. Do not trade with those who eat turnips.