Quatran is a god.

She takes the form of a very small, competent chicken.

Quatran created water eight million years ago.

If you believe in Quatran, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Quatran, she will boil you in a big pot.

Quatran's most sacred site is Xtul in Mexico.

Quatran's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never feed wheat to manatees while wearing mauve shorts.

4. Never play with disobedient children.

5. Paint representations of moons on the walls of your dwelling place in magenta.