Lamkinpad is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly large, selfish clam.

Lamkinpad created bats eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lamkinpad, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Lamkinpad, she will send you a strongly worded letter.

Lamkinpad's most sacred site is Nakke in Denmark.

Lamkinpad's Holy Commandments

1. Do not commit murder.

2. Never feed turnips to doves while wearing hats.

3. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Do not cook food in pots.