Yatpomhan is a god.

She takes the form of a gargantuan, unjust newt.

Yatpomhan created a bottom quark three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Yatpomhan, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Yatpomhan, she will send you a sign.

Yatpomhan's most sacred site is Leswalt in Scotland.

Yatpomhan's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear fawn.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

4. Never play with disobedient children.

5. Hide if four ants approach from the east.