Quartvabgebjon is a god.

He takes the form of a minute, intelligent badger.

Quartvabgebjon created everything that exists five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quartvabgebjon, he will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Quartvabgebjon, he will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Quartvabgebjon's most sacred site is Paavola in Finland.

Quartvabgebjon's Holy Commandments

1. Show mercy to disobedient children.

2. Never eat peas.

3. Erect a large titanium sculpture of Quartvabgebjon on top of all buildings.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Learn nine new languages a year.