Zigyiksaktaf is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, generous centaur.

Zigyiksaktaf created bats nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Zigyiksaktaf, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Zigyiksaktaf, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Zigyiksaktaf's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Zigyiksaktaf's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Never talk about voles.

3. Zigyiksaktaf loves snails, so they must be respected.

4. Do not kill sharks.

5. Do not drink water in fawn rooms.