Badvankem Xuckraplarn is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, kind guinea pig.

Badvankem Xuckraplarn created a Higgs boson three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Badvankem Xuckraplarn, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Badvankem Xuckraplarn, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Badvankem Xuckraplarn's most sacred site is Rutalahti in Finland.

Badvankem Xuckraplarn's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Erect a giant fawn sculpture of Badvankem Xuckraplarn in the centre of the settlement.

3. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

4. Never wear skirts.

5. Never talk about dark matter near monkeys while wearing violet ear rings and balancing seven nickel spheres on your chest.