Figlapnarlhab is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, narcissistic dove.

Figlapnarlhab created carbon four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Figlapnarlhab, he will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Figlapnarlhab, he will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Figlapnarlhab's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Figlapnarlhab's Holy Commandments

1. Do not take Figlapnarlhab's name in vain.

2. Learn eight new languages a year.

3. Always make a point of helping unfortunate pigs.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of lead.

5. Never think about stars.