Lapbossbep is a god.

It takes the form of a huge, unthoughtful crab.

Lapbossbep created the planet Jupiter nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lapbossbep, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Lapbossbep, it will attempt to scare you with earthquakes.

Lapbossbep's most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Lapbossbep's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about bacteria.

2. Do not fashion models of living things.

3. Never feed tomatoes to geese while wearing ear rings.

4. Always make sure there are no tortoises in a room before entering it.

5. Always help aardvarks in need.