Futwitarn is a god.

He takes the form of a small, calm chicken.

Futwitarn created Mount Everest eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Futwitarn, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Futwitarn, he will turn you into a goat.

Futwitarn's most sacred site is Sirama in Madagascar.

Futwitarn's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about dark energy near goats while wearing turquoise hats and balancing six iron spheres on your face.

2. You must love Futwitarn.

3. Learn five new languages a year.

4. Never paint your neck yellow.

5. Never write about chlorophyll.