Quartlakzig is a god.

It takes the form of a rotund, happy pigeon.

Quartlakzig created a top quark eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quartlakzig, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Quartlakzig, it will jump up and down on your head.

Quartlakzig's most sacred site is Vestfold in Norway.

Quartlakzig's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Never hop near hamsters.

3. Do not eat rice.

4. Do not chop down trees.

5. Respect your elders.