Fonkabquat is a god.

It takes the form of a very large, contented squid.

Fonkabquat created carbon three million years ago.

If you believe in Fonkabquat, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Fonkabquat, it will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Fonkabquat's most sacred site is Metsimotlhabe in Botswana.

Fonkabquat's Holy Commandments

1. Do not eat nuts.

2. You must never eat cucumbers.

3. Never feed turnips to pigs while wearing fawn ear rings.

4. Never eat green fruit.

5. Your children must be taught to worship Fonkabquat.