Sitzimman is a god.

He takes the form of a huge, egotistical guinea pig.

Sitzimman created the planet Earth eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Sitzimman, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Sitzimman, he will name a particularly small and pointless dust cloud after you.

Sitzimman's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Sitzimman's Holy Commandments

1. Always help porpoises in need.

2. Never eat bark.

3. Never write about quantum mechanics.

4. Tapirs are not to be trusted.

5. Never eat green fruit.