Latbonkjin is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, all-knowing clam.

Latbonkjin created dark energy six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Latbonkjin, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Latbonkjin, he will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Latbonkjin's most sacred site is Paavola in Finland.

Latbonkjin's Holy Commandments

1. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Latbonkjin.

2. Retreat if six grasshopers approach from the north.

3. Run away if three whales approach from the west.

4. Always pray immersed in water.

5. Do not listen to music.