Lagbagxuc Cimzimnig is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, unselfish grasshopper.

Lagbagxuc Cimzimnig created vertebrates two years ago.

If you believe in Lagbagxuc Cimzimnig, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Lagbagxuc Cimzimnig, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Lagbagxuc Cimzimnig's most sacred site is Mmankgodi in Botswana.

Lagbagxuc Cimzimnig's Holy Commandments

1. Lagbagxuc Cimzimnig loves squirrels, so they must be respected.

2. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Lagbagxuc Cimzimnig.

3. Never feed lots of tomatoes to seals while wearing mauve tights.

4. You must never eat grapes.

5. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.