Japbatponcembim is a god.

He takes the form of a very thin, ruthless seal.

Japbatponcembim created vertebrates five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Japbatponcembim, he will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Japbatponcembim, he will laugh at you.

Japbatponcembim's most sacred site is Hej in Sweden.

Japbatponcembim's Holy Commandments

1. Never think ill of sick turtles.

2. Always pray immersed in water.

3. Never mention mice.

4. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

5. Never feed garlic to capybaras while wearing magenta ear rings.