Taplamcat is a god.

It takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, confident hummingbird.

Taplamcat created life seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Taplamcat, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Taplamcat, it will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Taplamcat's most sacred site is Dumadumana in Botswana.

Taplamcat's Holy Commandments

1. Do not covet oxen.

2. Never paint your back brown.

3. Taplamcat must be the most important thing in your life.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of silver.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.