Lapbatsit is a god.

It takes the form of a plump, blissful guinea pig.

Lapbatsit created the Black Eye Galaxy three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lapbatsit, it will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Lapbatsit, it will turn you into a giant slug.

Lapbatsit's most sacred site is Oitti in Finland.

Lapbatsit's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from turquoise eagles for they are unholy.

2. Pray towards the south.

3. Do not dye your hair black.

4. Fast once a month.

5. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.